(My statements about love and friendship)
Friendship and love. (simple model about love)
Simple model for categorizing friendship.
I have tried to have a wide range of communication with my surrounding people and society. But some of these friendships can be called as real friendships. Most of my close friends are my classmates in Sharif university that I have spent really nice time with them, beside that I made a strong relationship with my university colleagues in Guelph university while most of them belong to other cultures . Some of my other friends are my schoolmates in Allame Helli high school and some others are my colleagues in IPM. Since I came Toronto I am working at my human network here. I have some close Internet friends. Nowadays I keep my friendship with some of my old friends who are far form me through Internet.
I should mention that I have found many things in these relationships. In good friendships you feel that you are not alone and many people support you in complex occasions. In nice friendship you can access to information by one of the easiest way and save your time by talking and getting knowledge from each other. In good relationship you can feel happy and enjoying other people happiness. Unfortunately in modern societies many people miss close friendships and many people feel alone.
I have experienced love with my Fatemeh whom I love now and I will love forever. We kept our lovely relationship, when she was far from me, by talking with each other for more than 12 hours in week for 16 months. Finally she came Guelph in Dec. 2004 and after that our life has been totally changed and became really beautiful. I hope we will be great life partners for each other forever.
Very Simple Model for Friendship and Love:
I love communication and all the benefits which can be gotten by this activity. I think making friends is an art and keeping these friends is more significant art. Being in love and keeping this relationship is one of the most challenging activity that I have ever experienced. In the bellow essay I will try to give very simple model for human as a system that consists of plenty different springs (each one represent different characteristic or personality factor). On one hand these springs oscillate by their own frequencies and on the other hand we want to increase the efficiency of the system of two people together by building a friendship or love.
What is Love?
Love is one of the most interesting systems that can be built by human being that comes from the highest efficiency of system of one couple. My definition is nearly different from usual definition of love. If we assume lover as a swimmer in the sea, the lover is the best swimmer and not the swimmer who sinks in the sea. This love is come out of proper environment, enough patience, using much energy and wonderful thought. Power of thought makes an unique system that consist of two other sub systems. Eastern culture definition of love comes out of emotions which may not need time to take place and thought has normal role and not the main role. In my definition the main role is played by thought. But we need one other main factor for building this love and that is the controlling of our selfishness. This factor tries to assume the front system as a completely attached system but this factor is rarely found in western culture.
The art of love or strong friendship consists of four laws:
We cannot become so close to everyone. Every person have maximum capacity and limitation for being close to us. So we should choose the proper one who can be close enough to us to make a harmonic relationship. I can say this fact In other way by following statement, we should consider that two people should have so many springs with the same natural frequencies for oscillating well with each other. We should remember that we can find some rules to find our best partner but we should check these rules by experience (We can not trust the approximation methods). Most of the people need the partner who has some similar personality factors (character) but we should remember the exact copy of us is not the best partner for us. We should cover each other and this fact happens if our characters are not the same in all factors. To find the proper partner we should pay attention to the specific factors but some of the most important ones are Healthy mind, IQ, Thoughtfulness, Flexibility, main Interests and nice Appearance (I didn't believe in this factor till a while ago. But now I believe that if your intuition is good enough you can find some of your desirable factors in your favorite face, I think that kind of appearance has strong relation to the character). I have a problem with one the main important factor of western culture in finding partner and it is too much attention to the body, since it is just useful for physical sex! I think paying attention to the face is much more important than paying attention to the body since it has more strong relation to psychological characters of human being. I should mention that sex is much more psychological process than physical interaction . The most important point for this part, is that you should live with someone for some while to understand her/him completely. I mean your desirable partner is not reachable without examination. If your partner is your best partner it doesn't mean that you are the best partner for her/him. Love is the phenomena that increase the efficiency of two people as well as their around world in all times. If your friendship increases the efficiency for some while and then it disturbs one of you (or both of you) it may not be true love and we should care the effects of love in our environment also. We do not have right to sacrifice others because of our selfishness..
To being close to someone and making nice efficient system you should change some of your characteristics and try to adjust your self to the new system. For example you should try to care something that you did not cared before, but this process has boundaries and these limitations are covered under the third law. It should be mentioned that in love one makes by two ( two people and one love). Therefore in many cases we should match ourselves to each other and try to handle the weight of love. We should ignore some of our selfishness to satisfy some of our significant needs.
(The invisible important fact) Because of the fact that we consists of so different springs and each spring can oscillate well just with few other springs, so every person can be SO close just to a few numbers of people ( Fact number one) and on the other hand we can't handle too close relationship with someone because of our natural difference. It means that, if we find one proper partner it doesn't mean we can be unlimited close to whom. If we become too close to each other the efficiency of system will decrease since the springs can not oscillate well with each other anymore. We will permanently damage ourselves and each other if we become too close to each other since we need to destroy or change many of our characters and it has the similar aspect of using too much force on the spring (The spring will loose its characters under too much force).
Love is like crystallization, it needs time to be crystallized and if we do rush we miss the love or the best point of love. As It was said in the previous paragraphs for reaching the point of maximum efficiency and execute the second and third law we need to be completely patient.
So for every relationships we should find the point that we have maximum of efficiency.
Modeling the friendship of two people is too hard but I have tried to define some significant parameters for one general friendship. Friendship is the relationship which increases the efficiency of two people, therefore we need to combine the parameters that describe this relationship well. These parameters should help us to understand more about any kinds of friendship . I defined these three parameters.
1. Volume of friendship 2. Color of Friendship 3. Inertia
1. Volume of friendship refers to the simple amount of friendship. I mean that it measures the increscent of efficiency of our system similar to the volume of one box but not its weight or its color. In brief definition, it shows how much he/her answers your needs. Most of the time the top rank people in volume are your close friends but it is not the general rule. For example, you may just contact one person just once in three months but you have deep relationship with him/her and you are sure that he/she will support you in any bad occasion.
2. Some times your friend is not special in the amount of friendship but you find him/her special in the kind of friendship. When your special needs are just answered by him/her, it makes your friendship with him/her unique . For example, some times you find yourself just comfortable in front of someone but you do not have chance to increase the amount of your friendship with that buddy. I describe this fact as a color of friendship since some colors are rare so they will be valuable for you.
3. We describe Inertia in physics as a natural fact of every matter. Every matter will go by its own constant speed unless one force changes its velocity. This force is proportional to the mass of following matter and the acceleration. The friendship that has long history can be disturbed harder since it passed its exams before and this relationship is more reliable than the friendship which has a shorter history. Therefore the history of friendship can help us to understand the reliability of friendship.
If we want to give grade to one friendship we should consider all of above parameters (and many other parameters). And the volume of friendship is not enough to understand one friendship.
Where are all the good men dead... In the heart, or in the head.
Last Update: 05/24/2006